He reached deep inside her nose bag, and let off a fart. Horses on Sex in SL!

Buenos Tarde, senoras y caballeros. Caballos Morrisey aqui.

If you're thinking that I'm spanish, then you clearly have no grasp of Spanish writing and grammar. Nor do I, hence the shocking "Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. Horses Morrisey here" Spanish sentence.

Anyway, enough Spanish for one post. How about we look deep inside the meaning of Second Life, and how people treat their second lives. Having spoken to several idiots about the subject, I learnt one thing. The best way to make easy money on Second Life is to become a prostitute/gigolo, or escorts as they're more politely called here. Dancers make a bit of money, its like a more involved form of Camping, but the real money is with the prozzies. In RL you'd be hounded out of your village and have effigies of you burnt if you were revealed as a 'lady of the night'. In SL its mostly accepted as okay, especially since it's not real sex. But if it's not real, why will some gentlemen (and ladies) pay around 1,000$L to have it?

I decided to go undercover. No dirty street corners with ladies almost wearing rubber dresses here. It's mostly lag ridden night clubs, with ladies having 'escort' themed tags on and their picture on the wall.  I asked around for prices - in an "i'm just interested in how it works" way - and the general figure was between $L800 and $L1,000 for 30 minutes. A few charged more for 'additional extras' like acting out certain themes (nothing illegal) and one wanted an extra $L150 to have anal sex! Mustn't have been a Catholic girl!

I then decided to spice things up a bit. I told a few that I was a SL Lesbian, and wanted to know if they'd have sex with me. Of the 5 I asked only 2 agreed, and on both occasions they put the price up. One quoted $L2,000! The other said $L1,200 (she wanted $L800 for men) but she'd do it for $L800 if a man could watch. I declined both offers.

So what did I learn? Well morals are slightly lower in SL. Inhibitions are much lower (not such a bad thing) and sex is rife. The most amazing thing was that people would pay these prices, when they could get it for free in virtually any bar or nightclub in a mature area. What happened to the art of conversation? Talk to the man or woman, dance, flirt and then try your luck! Lads, for goodness sake, don't walk around naked with a huge hard-on. At best its very pathetic but funny (for the people you're trying to impress) and at worst its crude and nasty. Keep it in your pants!

It's all a bit of fun though, isn't it?

H.

Second Life in (not very) secret 'rubbish mode'

Want to know why Second Life(TM)(C)(LAG) will never be really great? It's summed up in one small graphic below:

It's Friday Night, it's 'chill out for the weekend' time and Second Life (TM)(C)(LAG) are shut down for maintenance. Does Brighton close on Fridays? Does Liverpool stop thieving on Fridays? NO! Does Second Life (TM)(C)(LAG) close on a Friday, without giving more than a semi-toss about its 'residents'? Oh yes it does.

Me: Mr Travel Agent, I want to go for an evening break this Friday, where can I go?

Mr Travel Agent: Well you could go to Brighton, Edinburgh or LAG City... oh sorry, Lag City is closed this Friday. Maybe you could fly there via Heathrow Terminal 5?

The Horse and Biscuit had an event planned for tonight... now ruined! The Lag is DEAD, Long live the LAG.

The Horse and Biscuit - Opens Wednesday 26th. Be there!

Like my boyfriend always used to say "Just a quickie", although in this case it's not because I suffer from premature ejaculation.

Okay, a quickie then... The Horse and Biscuit British Pub opens on Wednesday 26th March. Smashin' live opening night planned. Free booze and whatever else happens. You'll find The Horse and Biscuit through a simple places search. I'll add a SLurl Landmark when I have more time. 'Party' starts at around 3PM, but the pub is open already!

Also, a quick mention to other events planned this week:

• SLCW presents LIVE PRO WRESTLING at The Horse and Biscuit. Show starts at 3pm.
  
• This Friday night is 'lads' night. Men, come act like a pillock who can't handle their drink. Ladies, animals, aliens, people in between and sensible men can come and laugh at them, or join in! Stripper not booked yet, but planned.
  

Nitey Nite.

The Horse and Biscuit - Almost complete

It is almost complete... my very own public house with a twist.

The Horse and Biscuit will open very soon. It's still being built but there are already several attractions. Including:

• Fully licensed bar, serves gassy beers, Irish slop, wines, spirits and soft drinks.
  
• Funky Rain patio with grill.
  
• Lovely peaceful seating area with roaring fireplace.
• A jukebox playing bad music.
• Darts.
• Upstairs Discotheque where you can dance the night away to the hip new sound of the juke box.
• Strip Poker game that is almost impossible to understand.
• Your chance to Ride the Horse, complete with leader board - Every rider wins a crappy prize.
• Beautiful view of Button Moon.
• Extra secret stuff.

There's much more to come as well. Just search for "Horse and Biscuit" on the places tab and you'll find it. Landmark and details of opening events will be posted as soon as I have the details.

H.

Shag! She dropped her knickers and had it off!

...That's the name of my forthcoming book (Yes, Honestly - Shag! She dropped her knickers and had it off!). Its about a lady called Ragiro. She's a 'right sort' and goes around shagging ALL the time. One day she meets Charlie, who wines and dines her. Then, there's a twist and it ends. Here's a short preview:

She looked down at his pounding lawnmower. It had clearly seen its best days and was now moments away from blowing its load out. There was probably 5 months of compressed grass cuttings in there. It'd take some cleaning up if it all shot out.

Charlie arrived with some ice and water. Ragiro turned off the lawnmower and went to greet Charlie. "I've done the lawn" she said. "I love a well groomed lawn, don't you?". "Well i've always preferred the natural look" replied Charlie, much to Ragiros disappointment. "Oh well, we'll just have to let it grow in future" she said before sipping her water through the gaps in her front teeth.

You want to read more? Well buy the book when it comes out! It'll be available from all branches of Bacon-Hill-Crack book stores for £69.95. You cannot order it on-line because this is a serious book and therefore should be purchased face-to-face.

Thank you.
H.

The Horse and Biscuit

Want to 'hang' somewhere 'hip'? Well go to your local off-licence, buy some cider and get shit faced outside with the chavs, neds, scroats, asbos and tramps. Want to see somewhere rubbish in Second Life? Head over to The Horse and Biscuit, it my new venture! Its the place that doesn't know what its doing. Its a rather large Pub, with some hidden surprises!

Its modelled on bits of my RL. Its got the name of a regular public house. It's got bits of music I like (well it will have eventually), its sunny, yet rainy. Its got hills (well slopes) because I grew up walking up (or down) flipping hills! Its got funky wallpaper because I like funky wallpaper and its got a slime pit after the bf who's idea of kinky fun was to jump into the bath with me and pour gunge, food, paint and general goo over us. It's called WAM (not Wham! - that's a pop group) and it ruined a very good bath and bed of mine. There's also a bit of a sunshine patio, some funky chequered floor and good old fashioned stones. It looks bobbins at the moment, and there's much to be done, soon it'll be finished... and then returned to me after I cannot afford the rent :(

Landmark to The Horse and Biscuit is coming soon (you could probably search for it and find it that way) and news of a launch party will follow.

Neigh!

One wedding and a funeral

In 1994, Hugh Grant - AKA Cunt in Specs - flapped his "gosh" onto our cinema screens with the summer smash hit! Four Weddings and a Funeral. It followed a typical supposedly middle class English twat who goes to lots of weddings, then the life and soul of the party snuffs it, he goes to his funeral and ultimately ends up getting together with the American woman. Cap it off with one of the most cringe-worthy lines in the history of cinema - "Is it raining, I hadn't noticed" - and you've got a hit on your hands. Then for afters, kick in shit 80s band Wet Wet Wet (led by their ego Marti Pellow) and you've got global domination on your hands.

Now, people loved this film... Hugh Grant became HUGE Grant... before he blew it all by hooking up with a hooker. That American women Andi Mc-something-or-other did some shampoo commercials and British Cinema was the pride of Britain again. A few years later some jobless Yorkshire scum whipped their cocks out for the local ladies to ogle at, and it made British Cinema even greater.

Well, more than 10 years on, I - Horses Morrisey - added my own little drama to the pride of Britain (not those awards the crappy newspaper gives to freedom fighters and victims of 'yoof crime). I got faked married and fake divorced all in a couple of days. A story so great it could sell out your local Odeon, if there was one seat and someone tricked a spanner into thinking the Odeon were doing a secret showing of Rambo 4 in there.

One day i'll approach some mega film person about making the movie, until then promise me you won't watch anything with Hugh Grant in. Okay?

Cows

Why do Cows hate Horses so much?

I was speaking to a Cow earlier today and She said "I hate Horses, I do". I never told the Cow my name, I just said "Piss off and get milked you big fat Cow". She ran after me but I was too fast. Silly Cow thinking she could outrun a Horse! She may be the source of lots of milk, and clever men and women may be able to make that milk drinkable by adding chocolate flavouring to it, but she's still a stupid Cow. Three letters, Daisy... U, H and T.

Cows are apparently one of the greatest emitters of CO2. I say... kill them all. Mad Cow Disease tried it once already. Maybe its time for someone else to have a go. Send in the Americans. Rambo can lead the way. The end of Cows! So we might not be able to eat fillet steak any more, and yes Pork does taste rubbish, but its a small price to pay if it saves the planet.

To be fair, some Cows aren't that bad. Maybe the Americans and Rambo could just shout "Boo" at them lots of times. Maybe that's a fairer solution to the bad attitude and CO2 that cows pollute this world with.

Injury prevents Horses from breaking a Mopp

I fell off my stable roof on Thursday. The resulting injuries were awful. Broken prims in my leg and several cuts across on my body meant I couldn't batter Moppy McMopp in our not-so eagerly awaited wrestling match on Saturday.

Gutted! It's the best word to describe how upset I feel. There I was, just pissing about on the roof and the next thing I know i'm on the floor with prims everywhere! I had to lie to them at the hospital about my name. Horses are usually shot if they break their leg. I told them my name was Dog. It worked!

The doctors said my leg should be okay soon, so that is good! Rumours that my leg doesn't really have prim damage are wider than a buses arse. The fact some people suggest i'm scared of a glorified stripper hurt my Horsey feelings. Anyone telling me such horse shit to my face will get a swift kicking.

For those sickos out there who like to see injured horses, he's a couple of pictures to prove my prims are really damaged.